ELIMINATION ROUNDS

And so, as I mentioned at the beginning of Part 1, to determine an overall champion this year, we'll tip the hat towards those old U.S. Manufacturers Funny Car Championships of yore, but instead of the desired "Fords versus Chevys" type program, we'll go with a Chicago-Style deal (after all, being Chicago Jon, it’s sorta in my contract somewhere) and, since the Burkster has already given it to me with both guns ("what is this, War and PEACE!?”) over the length, it'll be one hugh-jazz round, and the strongest two from that will square off for the title 'AA/F(ilm) Eliminator.’

But before we begin, it seems our safety director has informed me four of the contestants have flunked tech, and that would be the following:  DRIVEN (biggest leaker since the Exxon Valdez), LOVE BUG (German car. Maybe if it was the Durachrome Bug, we coulda let it slide), OUTRAGE (a revenge movie, with cars. Shoulda been the other way around), and HEROES (EEEEEYYYYYYYY, Winkler can't act!). OK that’s the decision of our official. (Remember how the NHRA had Dr. Leroy Hales? Here at Chicago Jon, we have Dr. Nick Riviera: "Hi, everbody!!" “Hi, Doctor Nick!)

FIRST PAIR:  CORKY versus ALOHA BOBBY AND ROSE

While Corky Curtiss may be bipolar, the whole script for 'Aloha' suffers from the same affliction. Corky heads downtrack, keeps his foot in it too long, blows it up, but Aloha starts out, turns left, then right for a while, turns around, and heads back to the start. Besides, LeMat tried to charge me 10 bucks for his autograph once. Corky puts the win light on.

SECOND PAIR: SENNA versus HOGSLAYER

A battle of the documentaries, and both fine ones at that. At the risk of being the 'last John Wayne left in this town', though, 'Slayer was made to celebrate hard work, American ingenuity and the accomplishments of two no-frills guys from Kenosh. The only reason Senna gets made is that (another) poor S.O.B. got killed running F1. Both thunder down-track, side by side, but Hogslayer puts on the win-light (and Alain Prost is already filing a protest).

THIRD PAIR: USED CARS versus DEATHPROOF

Why, it’s a "Kurt-Off"!! And again, two good ones, but there can only be one winner. Well, let’s see, hmmmm, 'Good Kurt' avenges his boss's death, saves the lot and gets the girl. 'Bad Kurt' uh, he gets beat to death by a bunch of women, ouch!  Used Cars puts the win light on, spray on some 'new-car-smell' and cue up a Sousa march....

FOURTH PAIR: WORLD’S FASTEST INDIAN versus MADISON

Finishing out with a duel of the 'feel good' stories, and again, both are done extremely well. And while Burt Munro’s story is about the perseverance of one man, Madison is the story of a whole town, and in a contest decided by a thousandth of a second, the Miss Madison squeaks on by.

FINAL ROUND: USED CARS versus MADISON

With a wealth of factors on the table, the supporting actors, cinematography and even the soundtrack become important. While Rudy Russo and the gang are rollicking good fun, you can't top the story of the little guy toppling the giants, against all odds. Our winner? MADISON! (And again, Alain Prost is complaining... like the line from the old kiddie show, 'Pluck your magic-twanger, Froggie!  BOOOIIINNGGGG!')

Thanks for coming along for the ride. The pleasure has been all mine. A big thanks to the Burkster, the whole gang down at the Phlegm Building, everyone who helped out with this, especially Greyhound and my favorite 'Mary' in the world out there in New "Yahhwwk", and my wife for putting up with me being Chicago Jon. Be sure to support the good companies who advertise in DRO, ‘cause without their 'boo-koo dinero', none of this could work.

I AM Chicago Jon. Until next time, I gotta say... CCCC-YAAAAAAAAAAA!