Photo by Jeff Burk

THIS GOD BUSINESS

6/19/03

icture "60 Minutes" CBS TV curmudgeon Andy Rooney, gray-haired, rumpled, and with-beef demeanor, expounding, "I don't know about you, but nothing really gets my goat more than..." and he precedes to hammer on some foible that cramps his style.

Now take that image of Rooney, throw in 10,000 micrograms of STP, knock out a few teeth, comb in a little hair dye, and redden the eyes a tad, and you have a decent table-setting for what is about to follow. The vexed Chronicler, the irritated Chronicler. A chronicler with internet-reaching capability and a beef.

I don't know about you race fans out there, but lately there's this thing that's really been sticking in my craw. The invoking of an alleged deity by a number, not necessarily the majority, of racers at the drags. It's God this or God that, or God is my co-pilot or whatever! Gadz!

I mean what's with this "God Business" (for lack of a better term) that a number of racers consistently bring up during the course of an event?

Recently, my senses were modestly assaulted by every fans' favorite town crier, NHRA Pro Stock Champ Angelle Savoie's appearance in the Route 66 Raceway winners circle. With the faucets leaking noticeably, she started thanking the Lord profusely. Telling the all-ears fans that it was God who got her through some recently tough times, that God watched over her, that God gave her strength to beat (gasp!) the very motorcycle she won the title with last year, that it was God's guiding light that led her to the winner's circle at Route 66.

CUUUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

And it was also God who put her in these clamps from which she had to free herself in the first place. You know. An omnipotent God that can do all things and knows all things past, present, and future.

Before I rant on, let me say this about Angelle. She may be the most thoroughly dominant female racer since Shirley Muldowney. She is very talented at what she does, she looks great, seems bright, and from everything I've heard, is a basically good, caring person. But with that out of the way ...

She also has shed more tears and spouted more "hosannas" than any racer I can think of. In many ways, she's like that blonde woman on the Trinity Broadcasting Network with the big bouffant hairdo and the Helene Curtis explosion around her eyes. Not a sentence without Jesus or moisture.

Some friendly advice to Angelle and her compatriots: Back 'er down a tad. There's a lot of us "sinners" who get a little tired of the God business.

God didn't tune that bike. God didn't work your hands and your legs so that you could leave on time and keep that bike streak, and God didn't whisper into NHRA President's Tom Compton ear to give POWERade a call a few months back.

And I know this. Because if he did, then he was also that prayful prankster that tipped Don Garlits' "Swamp Rat" over backward 17 years ago at Englishtown, that same wild and crazy guy that led Greg Anderson on like he was going to win Chicago only to have the car not fire, and he was also responsible for Savoie's final-round opponent, Reggie Showers, having no feet.

You can't have it both ways. This all-conquering presence does only good things? Right, tell that to the people in Afghanistan. They pray, too.

Look, go to church, say your prayers. I'm not saying that's wrong. But jeez, show some respect for your audience. There are some of us who are backward enough to actually believe that Angelle and some of the other members of the "God Squad" got to where they are on their own ability, free of so-called divine intervention.

When a racer, or any person for that matter, cites God as the reason for whatever success they have experienced, they walk some very, very thin ice. This is giving this identity called "God" credit for some incredible powers. As I said earlier, most Christians' God does not catch hay fever. He, she, or it is invincible that can do anything and "Son, when ah say anythin' ah mean anythin'." Good, bad, or indifferent, this thing has it covered past, present, and future.

That's a very shaky position, to put it mildly. What about the poor guy who has no sponsor, who is a good person, who works hard, and tries with every ounce of his or her being to win, to win just once, but instead loses every time, putting him or herself in debt at every turn. What does God do, pick a name out of a celestial bowler every national event, or for that matter, every football game, boxing match, baseball game, etc.? That God is also responsible for those, too. After all, he, she, or it knows all things; so what's the deal?

I feel that if you believe in God, it's a personal thing. I'm not a supporter of Racers For Christ obviously, but I do like the people who make up its membership. My only beef with them is that Ken Owen should occasionally share the stage with a rabbi or Islamic cleric. Of course, that could really gum up the works. You know, television scheduling and all.

Better yet for the Christian, Jewish or any other kind of theistic racer, why not get up early on race day Sunday morning and get it all out of your system. Then come out to the track and race yer ass off, with the better man or woman winning.

You know there was a time, encompassing many years, where that was the norm. Believe in God if you want -- I'm not saying not to -- just leave him in the trailer with the cocktail shaker when you race.

Amen.

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